Dear diary: it’s been a week 

Last Friday Jordan called me saying he wanted to talk to me again. He’s sorry and he’s ready to try to be with me. He had said he missed me and always thinking of me and can’t stand not talking to me . He realized that we need to work together so he can be okay and find love with us again. I know he cares about me. Sorry my thoughts are all over the place . Getting to be with him this past week has been nice. I missed him so much and I’m feeling better of course,but still it’s iffy and I still fell sad. Seeing him, I can tell he had changed, when I look at him I can tell he’s so sad and broken but I am too. He’s a whole different person. His emotion as are shut down , one day He likes me and the next it’s nothing. This time is a little different, at least I hear with him everyday . Last time he would come back and next day disappear. I hope he’s being real with me. I have been so patient, I guess sometimes loves got to be like that . These are his words, “I still need your time and love to grow back with you.” And I’m finally understanding what it means. He texts me everyday but I know some of the time he won’t text me back on purpose like he’s testing me. Anyway I don’t know what he thinks, just need to give him space sometimes . I feel like he just does whatever he wants with me and I’m just here…… like he randomly texts me in the middle of the night or comes over at 3 in the morning . Like what the heck…. like what about what I want or feel ??? He freaked out the other night and blew up my phone because I feel asleep, but before that he saw my snap story where I had went out to eat. I don’t need to tell him what I’m doing, he didn’t ask, it’s not like he tells me when he’s gonna text me. Most of the time I don’t hear from him until the end of the day. My rule is not to text him unless he does. I have been really good, Not freaking out on him so far like I use too. I did agree to this kind of relationship, just got to give him space and time. Let’s see how long I can do this for. I just hope one day he’ll love me again like he use too or even love me more. Am I crazy? 

Dear diary: drinking and blogging 

Today I finished all my lessons plans. It’s almost thanksgiving and it’s a little depressing . There is so much shit to do. I gotta finish school this semester strong, move out in a month, and my mom is opening up her own business meaning I’m helping her. I’m so stressed. Everything is happening all at once. Maybe it’s for the best. I went to the gym tonight and saw Jordan’s dad, he came over to say hi . I think he knows. You know what I really think ? White people are fake, they say hi to be nice because it’s the right thing to do, but really they know. And me on the other hand, I’m too honest. I say mean things or say things that isn’t needed. I’m learning how to be nice. I miss Jordan everyday . Somedays are hard, someday are okay. I know it’ll get better. I know it’s over, but sometimes I don’t know. I know I’l have to see him again because he owes me something. I want to see him, but best that I don’t. He said a lot the last time we saw each other….. “we belong together but maybe just not right now” and “I will marry you someday” uhhhhg. I’m healing and it’s going to be awhile to love someone else. My first love was blind love and with Jordan it was real, I actually saw  myself with him. And what the hell happened? I’ve never been so broken . Sometimes I think that I’m so fucked up, but I’m really not. Apart of me will always love Jordan. Why is that ? Maybe my third love will be better ! 

Dear diary: why? 

The other night I had went to the bar alone. I don’t know, I just always wanted to try it. A guy had talked to me, he talked about himself the whole time. It was interesting but boring at the same time. He’s a very broken man. Anyway, I had left outside and somehow I got Jordan to come see me . He had gotten off work and came by, we talked and cried. I went over his place and spend the night, of course we had sex. I wanted to spend one last time with him, just in case I’ll never see him again. He told me he promise to marry me one day. I just know that no matter what happens Jordan will always be in my heart, I don’t know if I’ll ever stop loving him. I feel guilty every time I talk to someone else. I’m going to always want Jordan, if I ever move on with someone else he’ll always be in my mind.
Today I realize he is the same . He still doesn’t know what he wants, hes sending me mix signals and I’m hurt again. I’m back to square one. He won’t answer me or anything . Once again he is leaving me. How can I be so stupid to even think he wants me back . One day he wants me and the next he’s gone. I’ve been crying a lot again and it’s sucks . I know I can get through this because obviously I was okay for a while without him. Maybe he loves me, but doesn’t want to be in a relationship. In the end he doesn’t know what he wants or what to say besides the fact that he misses me and loves me. I give up. I’m just hurting self again. I blew up his phone last night , I freaked out and was very sad. I just don’t understand and probably never will. I’m done .

Every guy I broke up with made me feel so much better like I can breathe. With Jordan either way I can’t breathe. We both feel the same about each other but we are resolving our problems differently obviously. It’s easy for him to not talk to me at all. I can’t believe he told me he promise to marry me one day…..I don’t even know what to believe. I still have hope and faith. No matter what I can’t stop loving him.

Ps. School is going really well, I’m enjoying school a lot more and I know I can do this!

Dear diary: I’m done

It’s has been a week now we been trying, but I don’t see him trying at all. He came to me because he missed me and the next day it was nothing. We both said to take it slow, but it wasn’t going anywhere. He only came to me when he needed me and I was there for him. When I needed him the most he wouldn’t even answer my calls or text! We hung out once and he said he wants to spend time with me and all this crap, but nothing has happened. He can barely text me, or even call me, he’s out doing whatever he does, hanging out with friends and doing drugs. I don’t see him wanting me what so ever. I know he has a lot going on, but he’s not trying to figure it out like he’s suppose to. He’s avoiding everything. All he says to me is I’m being negative and pressuring his feelings. He told me he doesn’t even know who is or what he wants. If he can’t figure that out, how can he be able to be with me. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t know what they want in life. It’s doesn’t work like that. I understand how he feels, but I’ve been fighting for a month. I tell him everyday how much I love him and I’m getting nothing back. This isn’t what I want. It’s not fair to me. Why should I be waiting around? I need to move on with my days and be okay and not wait and see if he’s going to text me or not. My heart hurts too much and I feel like I can’t breathe. I am so exhausted! I don’t sleep or eat. I’m just done, I can’t handle the pain. I still believe he is the one for me and that we belong together and if he can see that, he’ll come back to me one day. Right now, the best thing to do for me and for him is to be apart. That’s what I told him yesterday and he got mad. We argued of course and I ended it by saying, “We need to work on ourselves and be apart. I miss you.” He didn’t reply of course, typical Jordan. I’m so use to him not replying to me I don’t even care anymore. I’m sad and all, but I finally feel a little better and I got some sleep. Today I actually feel okay. Just hoping one day he can figure it out. I’m done waiting around, but I’m not going to stop loving him.

Dear diary : came back 

Jordan came back to me . I guess we are going to try to see if this relationship will work . He’s scared but I’m scared too. I don’t want to lose him again . I can’t have him leave me like he did. My soul literally died. I don’t want to feel like that any more . I know I Hurt him bad . We are trying to rebuild our relationship and I feel like my heart is still hurting . It’s really hard . He just says I need to listen to him and follow his lead . He wants us to grow and be better . I really have to try hard . For now we are taking it slowly. I basically told him he is the person I want to marry and have a future with . I hope he has hope in us . 

Dear diary: just me now and still hoping 

This morning I dropped off a letter. I didn’t wAnt to regret anything just incase something happens . I wish I could see him but he doesn’t even want to talk to me or see me. I love him so much that it hurts . From this day forward I need to just do me and focus on me and school . He said he needs time to heal. We are going to live our lives apart is what he likes or wants or need ….. he can have it . I miss him so much but I know as days past it’ll get better . I’m sill hoping he’ll come back to me one day . This can’t be the end , we didn’t even say goodbye yet. 

Jordan I love u