Dear diary: the heart is light

I hate to say this, but after telling him everything I felt and cried and breaking it off, made my heart feel lighter. My anxiety is almost gone it feels. Sometimes you just got to trust your heart and do as it says. I felt the way I did for a reason, it didn’t just come out of nowhere. I thought I was over thinking, but I wasn’t, I was right all along. Leaving him was the hardest decision I have ever made, it was and is life changing. There is no going back. He is so amazing and I’m so blessed I met him. So much shit happened. In my heart, I know that I’ll always love him, I can’t stop loving him, it’s like he’s stuck inside me. There isn’t anymore room in my heart for anyone else. Jordan is the the one, I know it. I don’t know how long I can live life without him. It’s like our souls has become one. We are two very different people, but somehow we are meant for each other. Maybe in the future, but I know right now it isn’t the right time. I know he loves me and I love him too and we both want to be together now and forever, but we both need to be on our own right now.

When I went over last night to wait for him, his mom and I started talking and I couldn’t help myself. I had to tell her, she didn’t hesitate at all and said “good!, you deserve better.” she said that he needs to get his shit together and grow up. She said she loves me very much, hugged me, and said it’s okay to love a lot. She said come back when he’s a new man.

Breaking up with him was like death. Now I can never talk to him or see him. We cried and he didn’t want me to to leave, but I had too. I never expected anyone to love me like he did. It really is amazing. He has so many amazing qualities, but he needs to be happy with himself in order to be with anyone. He said he’ll always find me no matter what. It’s crazy that we feel the same way about each other and want to be together, but in the end we just can’t be together. I am so sad and it hurts so bad. I can not stop crying.

Jordan is and was the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is so smart and kind. I love him so much becasue he’s not perfect. I can’t give out anymore love. It’s all for him. I know he can do amazing things in life and will be the best at anything he does. Jordan can be a pain in the butt, but gosh I still love him no matter what he did. Why is that I always care the most? To me, Jordan is my super hero. I know he’ll figure himself out one day. I will always love him. Within 2 months being with him, I knew I Love him forever. I saw a future with him, I never saw that with anyone else. I’m done searching for the next. I think that I always be waiting for him. I wish the best for him. I love you so much Jordan.

The only best advice I got from my mom about relationships is, always break up with them if you need to, don’t have them do it. She’s right, even though Jordan left me first, I ended it, and it fucking sucks even though it made me feel better. It never feels good either way anyway.


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