Dear diary: is there something wrong with me?

Jordan and I have been back together now for a little over a month. Some days are great, some days are hard for me. He is finally calling me his girlfriend now which is nice I guess. We have been through a lot and for me I don’t know how to get over it sometimes. I’m still sad, I think a lot….too much actually. Maybe I have really bad anxiety, I don’t know what to do sometimes or how to be happy. I know he loves me, but I always think everyone is just going to screw me over. He is so amazing and I can’t believe he loves. I know he does, but sometimes I get scared and I feel like he doesn’t. I cry all the time with or with out him. I’m just still sorry for what had happened to us. Am I ever going to be okay? I know he doesn’t want to leave me or anything, but then I think why does he keep me around besides the fact that he loves me. I feel like I need more, I need more attention and love. Everyday I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I’m always doing something wrong. All he ask is for me to be nice and love him. I feel like I do those things. I feel like I’m not good enough sometimes, but he says I’m doing okay and tell me how everything is going to be okay and he loves me and then I feel better then the next time it’s the same crap. He says I just overthink things. Everyone is saying that, but why do I do it or feel like this? I love him to death and when I think about life without it, I can’t imagine it at all. I need him, I can’t live without him. Why did god bring us together? This past week we had a couple good days. He’s made a few new friends he’s been hanging out with, but all they do is work, smoke, do drugs, and party. I’m just not all about that. I need and want people in my life who have jobs and care about real stuff, not partying and shit. I think it’s stupid. Jordan is a smoker and I know it’s not going to stop. The point is he’s been hanging out with them every night. It makes me feel not important, or like he doesn’t want to hangout with me….like he rather be with them and not me. I miss the days when it was just me and him all the time, that was when he had no friends. Now I have no friends, Blake and I haven’t talked in a while, I feel like I can’t tell me sister everything anymore becasue she told my other sister something that was a secret. I feel like I have no one to talk to sometimes. Right now I’m working on telling Jordan everything, he wants us to be best friends in order to be a better couple. He’s right though. I need to be better at communicating and I really am trying. Anyway I’m always rambling…..I just hope in the end, he really does love me and wants to be with forever like he says.

School is starting soon and I’m glad. School is the only thing that keeps me sane. I need to stop overthinking. I’m taking 5 classes! I’m so scared and nervous. I am so close to getting my BA, I should be graduating by the fall if I pass my classes. There is no way no to give up now. Jordan thinks I can’t be a teacher becasue he says I’ve never taught him anything yet, he thinks I can be better at something else which I don’t nor does he….I feel stupid. But anyway I’m going to finish school!

 

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