Dear diary: why? 

The other night I had went to the bar alone. I don’t know, I just always wanted to try it. A guy had talked to me, he talked about himself the whole time. It was interesting but boring at the same time. He’s a very broken man. Anyway, I had left outside and somehow I got Jordan to come see me . He had gotten off work and came by, we talked and cried. I went over his place and spend the night, of course we had sex. I wanted to spend one last time with him, just in case I’ll never see him again. He told me he promise to marry me one day. I just know that no matter what happens Jordan will always be in my heart, I don’t know if I’ll ever stop loving him. I feel guilty every time I talk to someone else. I’m going to always want Jordan, if I ever move on with someone else he’ll always be in my mind.
Today I realize he is the same . He still doesn’t know what he wants, hes sending me mix signals and I’m hurt again. I’m back to square one. He won’t answer me or anything . Once again he is leaving me. How can I be so stupid to even think he wants me back . One day he wants me and the next he’s gone. I’ve been crying a lot again and it’s sucks . I know I can get through this because obviously I was okay for a while without him. Maybe he loves me, but doesn’t want to be in a relationship. In the end he doesn’t know what he wants or what to say besides the fact that he misses me and loves me. I give up. I’m just hurting self again. I blew up his phone last night , I freaked out and was very sad. I just don’t understand and probably never will. I’m done .

Every guy I broke up with made me feel so much better like I can breathe. With Jordan either way I can’t breathe. We both feel the same about each other but we are resolving our problems differently obviously. It’s easy for him to not talk to me at all. I can’t believe he told me he promise to marry me one day…..I don’t even know what to believe. I still have hope and faith. No matter what I can’t stop loving him.

Ps. School is going really well, I’m enjoying school a lot more and I know I can do this!

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