Dear diary: drinking and blogging 

Today I finished all my lessons plans. It’s almost thanksgiving and it’s a little depressing . There is so much shit to do. I gotta finish school this semester strong, move out in a month, and my mom is opening up her own business meaning I’m helping her. I’m so stressed. Everything is happening all at once. Maybe it’s for the best. I went to the gym tonight and saw Jordan’s dad, he came over to say hi . I think he knows. You know what I really think ? White people are fake, they say hi to be nice because it’s the right thing to do, but really they know. And me on the other hand, I’m too honest. I say mean things or say things that isn’t needed. I’m learning how to be nice. I miss Jordan everyday . Somedays are hard, someday are okay. I know it’ll get better. I know it’s over, but sometimes I don’t know. I know I’l have to see him again because he owes me something. I want to see him, but best that I don’t. He said a lot the last time we saw each other….. “we belong together but maybe just not right now” and “I will marry you someday” uhhhhg. I’m healing and it’s going to be awhile to love someone else. My first love was blind love and with Jordan it was real, I actually saw  myself with him. And what the hell happened? I’ve never been so broken . Sometimes I think that I’m so fucked up, but I’m really not. Apart of me will always love Jordan. Why is that ? Maybe my third love will be better ! 

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Dear diary: why? 

The other night I had went to the bar alone. I don’t know, I just always wanted to try it. A guy had talked to me, he talked about himself the whole time. It was interesting but boring at the same time. He’s a very broken man. Anyway, I had left outside and somehow I got Jordan to come see me . He had gotten off work and came by, we talked and cried. I went over his place and spend the night, of course we had sex. I wanted to spend one last time with him, just in case I’ll never see him again. He told me he promise to marry me one day. I just know that no matter what happens Jordan will always be in my heart, I don’t know if I’ll ever stop loving him. I feel guilty every time I talk to someone else. I’m going to always want Jordan, if I ever move on with someone else he’ll always be in my mind.
Today I realize he is the same . He still doesn’t know what he wants, hes sending me mix signals and I’m hurt again. I’m back to square one. He won’t answer me or anything . Once again he is leaving me. How can I be so stupid to even think he wants me back . One day he wants me and the next he’s gone. I’ve been crying a lot again and it’s sucks . I know I can get through this because obviously I was okay for a while without him. Maybe he loves me, but doesn’t want to be in a relationship. In the end he doesn’t know what he wants or what to say besides the fact that he misses me and loves me. I give up. I’m just hurting self again. I blew up his phone last night , I freaked out and was very sad. I just don’t understand and probably never will. I’m done .

Every guy I broke up with made me feel so much better like I can breathe. With Jordan either way I can’t breathe. We both feel the same about each other but we are resolving our problems differently obviously. It’s easy for him to not talk to me at all. I can’t believe he told me he promise to marry me one day…..I don’t even know what to believe. I still have hope and faith. No matter what I can’t stop loving him.

Ps. School is going really well, I’m enjoying school a lot more and I know I can do this!

Dear diary: I’m done

It’s has been a week now we been trying, but I don’t see him trying at all. He came to me because he missed me and the next day it was nothing. We both said to take it slow, but it wasn’t going anywhere. He only came to me when he needed me and I was there for him. When I needed him the most he wouldn’t even answer my calls or text! We hung out once and he said he wants to spend time with me and all this crap, but nothing has happened. He can barely text me, or even call me, he’s out doing whatever he does, hanging out with friends and doing drugs. I don’t see him wanting me what so ever. I know he has a lot going on, but he’s not trying to figure it out like he’s suppose to. He’s avoiding everything. All he says to me is I’m being negative and pressuring his feelings. He told me he doesn’t even know who is or what he wants. If he can’t figure that out, how can he be able to be with me. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t know what they want in life. It’s doesn’t work like that. I understand how he feels, but I’ve been fighting for a month. I tell him everyday how much I love him and I’m getting nothing back. This isn’t what I want. It’s not fair to me. Why should I be waiting around? I need to move on with my days and be okay and not wait and see if he’s going to text me or not. My heart hurts too much and I feel like I can’t breathe. I am so exhausted! I don’t sleep or eat. I’m just done, I can’t handle the pain. I still believe he is the one for me and that we belong together and if he can see that, he’ll come back to me one day. Right now, the best thing to do for me and for him is to be apart. That’s what I told him yesterday and he got mad. We argued of course and I ended it by saying, “We need to work on ourselves and be apart. I miss you.” He didn’t reply of course, typical Jordan. I’m so use to him not replying to me I don’t even care anymore. I’m sad and all, but I finally feel a little better and I got some sleep. Today I actually feel okay. Just hoping one day he can figure it out. I’m done waiting around, but I’m not going to stop loving him.