Jordan came back to me . I guess we are going to try to see if this relationship will work . He’s scared but I’m scared too. I don’t want to lose him again . I can’t have him leave me like he did. My soul literally died. I don’t want to feel like that any more . I know I Hurt him bad . We are trying to rebuild our relationship and I feel like my heart is still hurting . It’s really hard . He just says I need to listen to him and follow his lead . He wants us to grow and be better . I really have to try hard . For now we are taking it slowly. I basically told him he is the person I want to marry and have a future with . I hope he has hope in us .
This morning I dropped off a letter. I didn’t wAnt to regret anything just incase something happens . I wish I could see him but he doesn’t even want to talk to me or see me. I love him so much that it hurts . From this day forward I need to just do me and focus on me and school . He said he needs time to heal. We are going to live our lives apart is what he likes or wants or need ….. he can have it . I miss him so much but I know as days past it’ll get better . I’m sill hoping he’ll come back to me one day . This can’t be the end , we didn’t even say goodbye yet.
Jordan I love u
My heart hurts so bad . I’m beginning to see and feel that this might not work out . I realized that he doesn’t know what he wants . Am I suppose to let go . I feel like I’m buying myself more . He doesn’t want to talk about the situation where as I do . He just wants to hangout and rebuild the relationship . He doesn’t even know if he wants me I want him so bad and I want this to work out but in the end is it worth it ? What if he doesn’t love me the way he use too ? Even tho he says he still loves me. Everything is different know . He didn’t act like he want to change yesterday. I don’t know what to do . I’m in pain and can’t sleep . Please give me a sign . I care so much and in the end it’s probably going to me me that hurts the most . He doesn’t want to think about the situation so he’s off hangout and getting high . Why do men run away from emotion?
Getting to see Jordan yesterday made me feel a little better. It was tough though. I was so nervous waiting and was pacing all day. We talk for a bit, I told him how I felt and layed everything out there. He told me he missed me a lot and he read my note everyday. He hasn’t really thought through about what to do with our relationship, but he wants to rebuild it. Basically starting over a little, taking it easy and slow and go on dates. I didn’t expect everything to go back to normal. We both need to rebuild our trust. He needs to figure if I’m really the person I’m saying and I need to know if he really wants to be with me. I’m still scared. I need to step up my game and try really hard and not screw up again. I don’t want to lose him again. What I went through for a few days was horrible! I don’t even want to remember it . All this is going to be tough, we both need to just try and be normal and take it day by day . It’s crazy how things happen and end up, last year it was a beginning of an amazing relationship. Now we are starting over and it’s not going to be easy, but I love him so much and I’m going to be there for him to make this happen.
Jordan texted me yesterday. Assuming he read my love letters he finally wanted to contact me . Well not sure what the reason is Yet , we haven’t talked or seen each other yet . We are being civil for once I guess. I was kind of surprised he contracted me already . After Sunday I started to move on, not give up but just worry about Myself and feeling better . I wasn’t excepting him to text me so soon since days has passed by and I thought it be a longer wait . He said he wanted to come by last night but I said I was busy . I just don’t want to give in that easy . I’ll give it a couple days . I’ll probably see him tomorrow . I realized in the end, I was so sad and so hurt . Felt like he broke my heart . I felt so guilty, he made me feel like I was such a horrible person. I felt like I tried so hard and didn’t give up. Space did help a little but the way he did it, I felt left out and abandoned . Like he didn’t care what so ever . Well we’ll see what he has to say when I see him . Now I can finally lay out all my feelings . It’s still hard but hopefully we can get through it .
I’m slowly feeling no more hope or am I just over thinking it what do people do when you’re feeling down . Nothing is helping . I’m even scared to go to sleep .
It has been 3 full days and no Jordan yet . I slept a good two hrs today . Today my heart suddenly started pounding fast like I’m nervous and scared out of my mind . I have a bad feeling . I’ve been writing to him and today I dropped it off at his house . He wasn’t home . Knowing him he loves his bed and always wants to sleep in it . I feel sick to my stomach. I honestly don’t know anymore and beginning to think I should let go . I prayed everyday . I just want him to talk to me .