Dear diary : came back 

Jordan came back to me . I guess we are going to try to see if this relationship will work . He’s scared but I’m scared too. I don’t want to lose him again . I can’t have him leave me like he did. My soul literally died. I don’t want to feel like that any more . I know I Hurt him bad . We are trying to rebuild our relationship and I feel like my heart is still hurting . It’s really hard . He just says I need to listen to him and follow his lead . He wants us to grow and be better . I really have to try hard . For now we are taking it slowly. I basically told him he is the person I want to marry and have a future with . I hope he has hope in us . 

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Dear diary: just me now and still hoping 

This morning I dropped off a letter. I didn’t wAnt to regret anything just incase something happens . I wish I could see him but he doesn’t even want to talk to me or see me. I love him so much that it hurts . From this day forward I need to just do me and focus on me and school . He said he needs time to heal. We are going to live our lives apart is what he likes or wants or need ….. he can have it . I miss him so much but I know as days past it’ll get better . I’m sill hoping he’ll come back to me one day . This can’t be the end , we didn’t even say goodbye yet. 

Jordan I love u 

Dear diary: I don’t know 

My heart hurts so bad . I’m beginning to see and feel that this might not work out . I realized that he doesn’t know what he wants . Am I suppose to let go . I feel like I’m buying myself more . He doesn’t want to talk about the situation where as I do . He just wants to hangout and rebuild the relationship . He doesn’t even know if he wants me :/ I want him so bad and I want this to work out but in the end is it worth it ? What if he doesn’t love me the way he use too ? Even tho he says he still loves  me. Everything is different know . He didn’t act like he want to change yesterday. I don’t know  what to do . I’m in pain and can’t sleep . Please  give me a sign . I care so much and in the end it’s probably going to me me that hurts the most . He doesn’t want to think about the situation so he’s off hangout and getting high . Why do men run away from emotion? 

Dear diary: finally saw him

Getting to see Jordan yesterday made me feel a little better. It was tough though. I was so nervous waiting and was pacing all day. We talk for a bit, I told him how I felt and layed everything out there. He told me he missed me a lot and he read my note everyday. He hasn’t really thought through about what to do with our relationship, but he wants to rebuild it. Basically starting over a little, taking it easy and slow and go on dates. I didn’t expect everything to go back to normal. We both need to rebuild our trust. He needs to figure if I’m really the person I’m saying and I need to know if he really wants to be with me. I’m still scared. I need to step up my game and try really hard and not screw up again. I don’t want to lose him again. What I went through for a few days was horrible! I don’t even want to remember it . All this is going to be tough, we both need to just try and be normal and take it day by day . It’s crazy how things happen and end up, last year it was a beginning of an amazing relationship. Now we are starting over and it’s not going to be easy, but I love him so much and I’m going to be there for him to make this happen. 

Dear diary: not that satisfied

Jordan texted me yesterday. Assuming he read my love letters he finally wanted to contact me . Well not sure what the reason is Yet , we haven’t talked or seen each other yet . We are being civil for once I guess. I was kind of surprised he contracted me already . After Sunday I started to move on, not give up but just worry about Myself and feeling better . I wasn’t excepting him to text me so soon since days has passed by and I thought it be a longer wait . He said he wanted to come by last night but I said I was busy . I just don’t want to give in that easy . I’ll give it a couple days . I’ll probably see him tomorrow . I realized in the end, I was so sad and so hurt . Felt like he broke my heart . I felt so guilty, he made me feel like I was such a horrible person. I felt like I tried so hard and didn’t give up. Space did help a little but the way he did it, I felt left out and abandoned . Like he didn’t care what so ever . Well we’ll see what he has to say when I see him . Now I can finally lay out all my feelings . It’s still hard but hopefully we can get through it . 

Dear diary: love sick 

It has been 3 full days and no Jordan yet . I slept a good two hrs today . Today my heart suddenly started pounding fast like I’m nervous and scared out of my mind . I have a bad feeling . I’ve been writing to him and today I dropped it off at his house . He wasn’t home . Knowing him he loves his bed and always wants to sleep in it . I feel sick to my stomach. :/ I honestly don’t know anymore and beginning to think I should let go . I prayed everyday . I just want him to talk to me .