Dear diary: Just want to cry

I’ve been so cranky and tried lately. I’m tired of waking up early, going to school, doing hw, going home, and having to do hw till late night, then sleep, then doing it all over again. My mood is effecting me and I don’t know how to control my emotions. I just want to cry, but I can’t. I’m moody all the time and irritated, and no I’m not on my period…. I seem to take everything out on my bf. All we do is argue about stupid stuff, I know it’s my fault. I let my emotions get to me and I can’t control it. All I do is yell, but it’s how I’ve always been, I can’t help but be mean and yell. I’ve been very unhappy with my figure, I’m eating normal and exercising but nothing it working, screw the diet. I just want to be able to eat normal food. I don’t even eat fast food. I was on diet pills, I stopped becasue it made be blow up pretty much so that was stupid of me. I just ordered this tea that helps with bloating, hopefully that works.

Spring break is finally here! My siblings and I are going to Magic Mountain! I can not wait. I love going to adventure parks. Screaming makes everything so much better.

My dad told me earlier this week that his kidney is hurting again. I’m worried that something might happen and he’s so far away. I hope he’s going to be okay. I don’t want him to go through a transplant again.


Dear diary: Tonight

This weeks been tough (every week is tough ….. whats new lol). I’s been thinking about going to summer school and next semester classes. Just been feeling overwhelm just thinking too much and most of the time I can’t control those things until it comes up. I just need to breathe. Basically I’m going to go to school for the rest of my life! Is how I feel.

Jordan is getting an interview soon at the PD and going to take his test soon as well. He is so happy and excited and I am so happy for him. I know he can do it! We just got into an argument about money for the first time and it got pretty emotional. Him not having a job is hard and I guess I want someone to do things for me back and take care of me. Most of the time I think for myself first becasue that’s what my parents told me to do becasue no one is going to protect you besides yourself. I made a mistake once giving my everything to someone and wasted my time and didn’t get shit back. I know I’m not going to do that again, becasue I pretty much screwed myself over. Jordan and I fought but I know now for sure he wants and will give everything and take care of me in the future. Sometimes I feel bad, becasue I act like a bitch sometimes or most of the time… I never knew I was going to find someones who loves me completely and care so much and would do anything for me. I am very blessed. He wants to be with me forever is what he says most of the time. I think sometimes I feel scared or overwhelm, but I got to just go with it and be okay. Tonight he said, “Autumn I love you and want to make you happy. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to have a job and take you out to do fun things but I’m trying… I want to get  a job to where I can make enough to do everything for you and take care of you all the time. I want to impress you and become something better.”