Dear diary: The struggle

I have survived another first week of school. So far so good, but I’m always worrying. I hate projects and writing papers….Prayers needed to pass all my classes this semester.

Another struggle going on in my life is my weight. I literally feel heavy all the time and bloated. There must be something going on with me. I’ve been feeling like this for months now so I started to workout more and eat healthier. I feel like it’s not working. My body does not feel like itself. I feel so insecure and just sad sometimes becasue I know I’m gaining weight and I have other people telling me I’m fat and stuff and others saying…yeah I’m gonna workout and look good in a bikini… like okay you already look good. Sometimes I just want to starve myself. I’m never going to wear a bikini anyway, I’m not that kind of person to reveal myself in that kind of way, no way. I love eating, I’m not going to starve myself for sure! Being in school and trying to eat less is hard, becasue I feel like I deserve a great, yummy meal everyday! Like I deserve a milkshake this week for sure, but I didn’t get one. I’m saying no.

Nothing exciting is really going on. Just life, work and school, and surviving. Being an adult I guess.

Jordan and I are doing well. We haven’t told each other the “I Love You’s” lol. I know he’s kind of said it and I wrote “I love you” in his birthday card and it didn’t go the way I expected…. I assume he would of said it back out loud, but nope. It’s actually hard to say those words. I’m not use to saying it, it’s awkward. It’s really been a while since I actually love someone. Should I try to say it first or wait for him? Or maybe it’ll just some naturally one day soooon. One of my friend’s was like, “I’m surprised you haven’t told him!” Yeah I know right? She knows I’m like head over heals with this guy. So yeah I really do love Jordan and we actually argue all the time like normal couples do about stupid stuff and to be honest I’m always picking the fights. I don’t know why I do it, I get mad way to easily. I cant help it. I always want my way! Sometimes I feel like I can’t control it. Jordan is so great about everything tho, he’s always the calm one and trying to solve the situation. That’s why he’s the best!!! I just need to be more appreciative.

 

 

 

 

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