Dear diary: The struggle

I have survived another first week of school. So far so good, but I’m always worrying. I hate projects and writing papers….Prayers needed to pass all my classes this semester.

Another struggle going on in my life is my weight. I literally feel heavy all the time and bloated. There must be something going on with me. I’ve been feeling like this for months now so I started to workout more and eat healthier. I feel like it’s not working. My body does not feel like itself. I feel so insecure and just sad sometimes becasue I know I’m gaining weight and I have other people telling me I’m fat and stuff and others saying…yeah I’m gonna workout and look good in a bikini… like okay you already look good. Sometimes I just want to starve myself. I’m never going to wear a bikini anyway, I’m not that kind of person to reveal myself in that kind of way, no way. I love eating, I’m not going to starve myself for sure! Being in school and trying to eat less is hard, becasue I feel like I deserve a great, yummy meal everyday! Like I deserve a milkshake this week for sure, but I didn’t get one. I’m saying no.

Nothing exciting is really going on. Just life, work and school, and surviving. Being an adult I guess.

Jordan and I are doing well. We haven’t told each other the “I Love You’s” lol. I know he’s kind of said it and I wrote “I love you” in his birthday card and it didn’t go the way I expected…. I assume he would of said it back out loud, but nope. It’s actually hard to say those words. I’m not use to saying it, it’s awkward. It’s really been a while since I actually love someone. Should I try to say it first or wait for him? Or maybe it’ll just some naturally one day soooon. One of my friend’s was like, “I’m surprised you haven’t told him!” Yeah I know right? She knows I’m like head over heals with this guy. So yeah I really do love Jordan and we actually argue all the time like normal couples do about stupid stuff and to be honest I’m always picking the fights. I don’t know why I do it, I get mad way to easily. I cant help it. I always want my way! Sometimes I feel like I can’t control it. Jordan is so great about everything tho, he’s always the calm one and trying to solve the situation. That’s why he’s the best!!! I just need to be more appreciative.

 

 

 

 

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Dear diary: Daddy’s home

My dad came home today and it’s always nice to have him around. Only once a year he gets to come home to his kids. We love him a lot. Always cherish those around you, becasue it’s not always forever. He’ll be here for a week this time, longer than usual. He usually only comes home for 3-4 days and it’s nothing, that’s not enough time. So I’m glad he’s staying for a whole week. Anyway, I’m so happy he’s home:)))

Dear diary: It’s a very rainy day

Today is a sick day at home, which means I have time for myself and I can actually blog. I found out my grades this morning: I got a B in music, C- in English (who knows if that’s even passing, if not, it’s pretty disappointing), and an F in Geography. So that’s bad/disappointing news. I’m already going to be taking 5 classes this Spring and I don’t know if I can do it. I question myself every time, is school for me? Is nails for me? What is for me? I like working in general and making my owe money….being a stay home wife/mom sounds nice, but I don’t want to be using my husbands money. You know what I really love? I love staying home and watching Netflix and I’m really good at doing house chores.  Does that sound stupid? Who knows what I will be doing for the rest of my life. I’m going to be 26 this year and what…….? Is Jordan not going to want to be with me if I’m not successful or have a career? My mom told me, “You need to have a good job in order to have a good man in your life, if not, no one is going to wan to be with you.” Hmmmm sounds ridiculous, but then I almost believe her. So that’s my lame school/career story for now. Just hope for the best I guess.

So my Dr has referred me to a specialist for my breast exams and I’m still waiting. For a few days now, my breast has been really sensitive and I still have a lump on my right boob. Maybe it’s becasue I’m stress or it’s hormones….I don’t know. Maybe I’m thinking too much or being dramatic about it. I looked up online and read what it could be, but for sure I know it’s not cancer. Sometimes I’m scared. The best I can do is wait patiently and go to the Dr’s when I can, nothing I can do. Jordan had told me the other day that his inner thigh has been hurting, he said he has told his mom and his mom told him that his grandpa had cancer in his thigh. I’m just hoping he doesn’t have anything. I told him he needs to go get it checked out, but he said he’s not ready. I know he’s scared, I’m sure he’ll be okay……I’m just a little worried, what if there is something wrong? What if he can’t have kids?  So we are pretty concerned about our health at the moment and trying to not think about it as well.

Jordan and I are doing really good and I’m just going to lay it out there, I love him, but I haven’t told him even though he knows. It’s hard to say those words for me. He’s told me a few times, but I act like I don’t know what he’s saying haha! Jordan is the one, I see myself with him for the long run and he’s so good to me and it feels so real that sometimes I’m a little scared and/or vulnerable about things, but I’m happy with him. I want to be with him forever and be married and have kids one day. He really is amazing; he will do anything for me. I know he tries to pleases me everyday, he’ll cook for me and give me love everyday. Not many people close to me know how I feel about him, because I know they’ll say stuff or judge. I know my past boyfriend’s hasn’t been the best, but when you know you know. I know that Jordan is for me.