Today is not a very good day. I’m getting so overwhelmed with school that I had a nervous breakdown. Knowing that I’m failing in my classes, I don’t want to do this school thing anymore. I want to go home so bad. I’m tired all the time, I have no time for myself and I’m having a hard time focusing. I’ve been failing and always having a hard time in school my whole life, but I never gave up on going to school. I’ve been retaking the same classes and I’m still failing. Every time I see a failing grade, I almost feel my worst. I feel like I can’t do this anymore. What if school isn’t for me? What do I do? My sister’s advice is to just finish the semester. She’s right, I can’t drop now. I feel like I have a million things to do, I can’t remember anything and I just freak out. I’m really trying my best. To be honest, I don’t really know if I want to be a teacher. It’s like I want too but then I don’t. I can’t figure out what I want to be and it scares me. I’m not book smart what so ever. I’m doing so much for school, and I feel like it’s for no reason because I’m just gonna fail. Is this a sign? What does it mean?
Last year I decided to go live with my dad in Tennessee and work with him. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, but one of the best decisions I have ever made as well. I stayed there for about 6 months and I became happy. I finally figured out what I want and who I am. Before that, I was pretty depressed about my life. I was unhappy, I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do with myself. I also felt like I needed to move away for a while, because I felt like there was nothing for me here. Yeah I had my family and friends, but they didn’t make me happy. Overall, I wasn’t happy. It wasn’t about anyone else. I needed to leave and be alone and figure things out. I worked every single day for 10 hours. I was exhausted by the time I got home, but I got use to it. I loved and love being alone with no obligations. I had a lot of time to myself and I didn’t have to worry about anything or anyone else except myself. I learned so much living there and I am so grateful for all my Tennessee friends and family. They are literally my second family. Everyone over there was so nice and it wasn’t fake. People are real over there. The South is so different from here. I also met a lot of teachers. People I met were either teachers or nurses. They really inspired me to go back to school and so I did and here I am now still not knowing what the hell I’m doing here. I know I’ll figure it soon or someday. I just need to keep moving forward. (Yesterday November 2, it has been a year since I’ve been back from Tennessee. Time has gone by so fast!)
So on top of me freaking out about school, back in April I found out I have a lump on one of my breast, I didn’t care to get it checked out because I felt like there was nothing wrong with me. I went back to the doctor’s the other day and they convinced me to get it checked out again. I still have the lump and I was hoping it was gone. So now I have to worry about getting a mammogram done. I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with me, but I still need to get it check. I hope it’s nothing serious. I’m not too worried, but I had told my mom and she’s been too worried, it’s annoying. Like I can’t have someone asking me if I’m okay every 5 seconds! I should have not told her. I just don’t have time for this. Everything is too much and I just want to be alone. I honestly just want to lay in bed and watch a movie.