Dear diary: Last night…

Last night, Jordan and I had a moment. I don’t know what it was with me, but I was giving him lots of love last night haha and he was too. We didn’t see each other for a day and he was dying to see me. Sometimes I feel like he likes me more than I do, like he’s so crazy about me. It’s a good thing, but I really want to find someone for the future not just for now. I really see myself with Jordan, but I have myself put together (besides the school part). I know this is going to sound selfish, but I want to be with something who is going to make the money! I don’t always want to be the one supporting that person, because the person I am, I will support and give them everything if I love them enough. Basically, he needs to start making money to where he’s not struggling. I know I had it easy, but I did want I can and could. I can support myself financially, but I don’t think I can do that for that other person anymore. I did it once and never again. Anyway I know he can do it! And he will. I guess I just worry sometimes, because I really like him and knowing myself if I don’t get want I won’t stick around.

We had a pretty deep conversation last night, and I’m happy he told me. I really do care about him and I like I love him. I know he does, I don’t what he’s waiting for lol. But it’s okay:)


Dear diary: it is almost the end and the holidays are starting

I was so excited to start school again this semester. I was doing okay, and in the end I’m always failing. I wish I could start the semester over. At this point I am so desperate that I Ā am trying to pay someone to do a project for me! But, anyway I am trying to do one thing at a time so I don’t stress myself out too much like last time. No need for a panic attack again.

I’m always missing my dad, but it’s mostly during this time of year. He’s always all alone, wish he was here. My sisters and brothers and I haven’t spent the holidays with him for about 4 year now. I”m hoping he gets to come home for his birthday in February. Every time he comes home, I go all out. I’d do and buy anything for him. He deserves the best!

Thanksgiving week is always crazy, making all the foods and planning everything out since I have such a big family. I’m always excited to spend time with my family and eat lots and do something fun. I really just wanna relax and be able to breathe!

Jordan and I are still doing very well. He had told me last week that he wants to do the CHP program soon, he wants to make money so I don’t have to worry about working. Basically, he wants to me finish school and he’ll take care of me. I had just said…..but I want to work….. It’s nice to know that someone wants to take care of you in the near future. It feels really nice. This is the kind of man I want! He is such a gentlemen. I still want and need to work of course for myself. I don’t want to be one of those wives who uses their husbands money…. I mean that’s cool and all, but just in case one day, I don’t have him I have my own money at least. HAHA Jordan really does care about me and thinks about me. It’s really amazing. I really hope he becomes what he wants to be and hopefully one day I’ll graduate!

Dear diary: Feeling better

I am dropping a class in school at the moment. Sometimes I feel like a failure, but I really tried. I guess not hard enough so they say. I will keep on going to school though and moving forward. I feel better now that I’m making this decision.

So far things has been going well, just taking it one at a time and enjoy whatever fun I can. Today is a sick day, I’m in bed resting. I guess no Apple Hill this year, (so sad) but I’m over it. I just really wanted to go somewhere this fall, but there’s always other places and maybe next year. It had been freezing here in Sacramento, you can’t really do much. Staying home and watching television is the best.

I went to get my ultrasound done a few days ago for my breast and they didn’t see anything, but they said I still need to get regular check ups just in case. Its just annoying because I don’t know why I have a lump. I didn’t have it before. I’m not too worried, but what if something develops later on in the future. Just another thing to worry about on my list….yay….

Jordan and I have been doing really good as usual, no complaints here šŸ™‚ We are official now FYI. So weird to have a boyfriend and call him mine or my boyfriend. We actually see each other a lot even though we are so busy, he manages to see me everyday! I haven’t felt so wanted in a long time. Someone actually really likes and wants to be with me and spend time with me and cares for me. I’m trying to get use to all this. I’m been independent for years and I hate sharing lol. I like to sleep alone, I like to eat my own food, I like to do whatever I want, I like to have my own time, and be alone most of the time. Now it’s time to compromise. I love being with him though. I almost feel like I love him, this past month an a half is more than I ever felt with anyone. I told him I am 100% in with him and he said the same. I never really said this to anyone, but I do see myself with him and I have no doubts with him so it just feels weird that I feel 100% with someone and it actually feels right for the first time. This morning he told me he loves me and……………….. THE END.

P.S. I am who I am and I will always be an independent person forever. I will always need that alone time or “Autumn time” no matter what.

Dear diary: Stress is taking over my life and I’ve never felt like this before

Today is not a very good day. I’m getting so overwhelmed with school that I had a nervous breakdown. Knowing that I’m failing in my classes, I don’t want to do this school thing anymore. I want to go home so bad. I’m tired all the time, I have no time for myself and I’m having a hard time focusing. I’ve been failing and always having a hard time in school my whole life, but I never gave up on going to school. I’ve been retaking the same classes and I’m still failing. Every time I see a failing grade, I almost feel my worst. I feel like I can’t do this anymore. What if school isn’t for me? What do I do? My sister’s advice is to just finish the semester. She’s right, I can’t drop now. I feel like I have a million things to do, I can’t remember anything and I just freak out. I’m really trying my best. To be honest, I don’t really know if I want to be a teacher. It’s like I want too but then I don’t. I can’t figure out what I want to be and it scares me. I’m not book smart what so ever. I’m doing so much for school, and I feel like it’s for no reason because I’m just gonna fail. Is this a sign? What does it mean?

Last year I decided to go live with my dad in Tennessee and work with him. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, but one of the best decisions I have ever made as well. I stayed there for about 6 months and I became happy. I finally figured out what I want and who I am. Before that, I was pretty depressed about my life. I was unhappy, I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do with myself. I also felt like I needed to move away for a while, because I felt like there was nothing for me here. Yeah I had my family and friends, but they didn’t make me happy. Overall, I wasn’t happy. It wasn’t about anyone else. I needed to leave and be alone and figure things out. I worked every single day for 10 hours. I was exhausted by the time I got home, but I got use to it. I loved and love being alone with no obligations. I had a lot of time to myself and I didn’t have to worry about anything or anyone else except myself. I learned so much living there and I am so grateful for all my Tennessee friends and family. They are literally my second family. Everyone over there was so nice and it wasn’t fake. People are real over there. The South is so different from here. I also met a lot of teachers. People I met were either teachers or nurses. They really inspired me to go back to school and so I did and here I am now still not knowing what the hell I’m doing here. I know I’ll figure it soon or someday. I just need to keep moving forward. (Yesterday November 2, it has been a year since I’ve been back from Tennessee. Time has gone by so fast!)

So on top of me freaking out about school, back in April I found out I have a lump on one of my breast, I didn’t care to get it checked out because I felt like there was nothing wrong with me. I went back to the doctor’s the other day and they convinced me to get it checked out again. I still have the lump and I was hoping it was gone. So now I have to worry about getting a mammogram done. I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with me, but I still need to get it check. I hope it’s nothing serious. I’m not too worried, but I had told my mom and she’s been too worried, it’s annoying. Like I can’t have someone asking me if I’m okay every 5 seconds! I should have not told her. I just don’t have time for this. Everything is too much and I just want to be alone. I honestly just want to lay in bed and watch a movie.