Dear diary: He is an amazing person

Everyday day, every week, everything is so overwhelming. But I’m doing well, just taking it one day at a time is all I can do.

More tests are coming up this week and I’m really trying my best to read and do the study guides early. Every minute I get I am doing hw, but how long can I do hw for? I need a break! School is my number one priority, but I also try to make time for friends and my family too. I literally try to do the most I can during the weekday, so during the weekend I can relax and have a little fun. It’s hard! Everyday I’m up early and do everything I can until I know I’m done with what I have to do for the day, then I’ll crash. I will go until my body dies at the end of the night.

Jordan and I have been doing great! I think I said this before, but I am so in awe with him. He just impresses me everyday! He’s always wanting to see me everyday, he’ll call me on his work breaks, and sometimes he’ll just call to tell me something silly. He’s always asking about my day or how I’m doing. Sometimes I ask myself, what did I do to deserve him? I know that I deserve him and the best! I’m not use to people doing things for me, I feel like he does more for me than I do for him and it’s usually me doing things for everyone else. I am so thankful for him, all the little things he does I’m not use to, but I like it. Sometimes I don’t even know how to react. What I can do is just take it. We are doing a couples costume for Halloween, he’s going to be Ash from Pokemon and going to be his Pikichu! If he wasn’t here, I’d be basic cat woman. But I’m doing this costume theme for him because he really wants to be Ash….what a nerd right? I never thought in a million years that I will dress up like this lol, it’s not me at all! But I’m doing it for him. We went shopping together to look for our costumes and went to go eat the other day, and it was so nice because I haven’t been out like that with anyone, (well besides my sister) we had good conversations and it’s what couples are suppose do! I learn so much from him everyday. Maybe I’ve mention this in my other blog, but he’s musically talented. He played the piano for 16 years, he knows how to make music and draw too. How cool is that?! Like wow, you are so smart, and you know so much, I’m just amazed! I had learned the other day that last year he was homeless for 2 months. He was living off his car and never asked for help. He did what he can and look at where he is now, still trying to live. We all go through tough times in our life, but never give up. He’s so happy all the time and positive, and always making me laugh. He really is an amazing person. This morning we had talked about something random and he basically said that I am his life. There were many thoughts going through my head at that moment. I just know that I see him in the future ahead and I’m sure he see’s the same. We have been dating for a month now and how can one month with someone be so awesome, this has never happened before. This is what a relationship is suppose to be. I don’t care to ask him to define the relationship right now, but eventually he will make it official or I’ll ask. For now, things are going really good.

Dear diary: Can’t give up now

Today is a pretty depressing day. I found out I failed my geography test. I really thought I passed. I stayed up all night studying. I even knew the information and I still failed. This is why it’s taking me so long to go to school. I’ve been in college ever since I graduated high school; that’s 7 years now! I should be done by now. I keep trying and trying, failing and failing, but I’m still trying. I’m just hoping one day it will be all worth it. Everyday, I strive to be the best and try to do whatever I can until my body and head is dead, and this is what I get. A big fat F! I know I need to study more and hopefully I’ll pass next time. I’ve gotten this far, I can’t give up now. If I do, then what?! I just need to keep moving forward. I tell myself everyday, “Just do it, just do it!” I do like school, I just don’t comprehend it well and easily like others. I just want to graduate.

I want to thank you my best friend Blake for always being there for me, even though you are so annoying most of the time. He usually knows what to say when I’m feeling down.

Thank you to my sister Christina for always helping me and pushing me to do better! She sent me so many snap chats of Bubba, which always makes my day. I was laughing so hard! LOL My baby Bubba is so silly.

And thank you Jordan for always making me giggle and smile. I felt so guilty for smiling after I found out I failed my test. Is that weird? I had opened a snap chat video from him, it was just him say hi and giving me kisses and another was him comforting me, telling me it’s okay. It was so cute.

I feel very blessed to have people support me so thank you!

Dear diary: The past week

I have been needing to blog so bad. School is taking over my life! I had another midterm yesterday. I’m pretty sure it was the worst test I’ve ever taken, well, the feeling part was the worst. I had to pull another all nighter and it was not worth it what so ever. Only had two hours of sleep and I was exhausted all day. I studied and studied, but I couldn’t comprehend it anymore. It was too much and so overwhelming. What teacher gives you 114 terms to study in a week?  I wanted to die! Everyone in the class had been complaining and stressing out over the test and it was hard. Students left within 30 minutes, which means they didn’t finish. You can tell when someone knows the test or not. Basically I stared at the test for a while, filled in everything, and wrote what I could remember or knew. I pretty much guessed on the test instead of leaving it blank. I left within an hour. I couldn’t do it anymore. My brain literally hurt. I know I tried my best. Now I know what to expect, I’ll do better next time. I know that I failed but I’m not mad or upset. It’s over with now, time for the next one.

School is going by so fast, which is great but there is so little time to do everything. Every chance I get, I do homework. There is two more months of school left until winter break! I can not wait! My brain needs rest, but I won’t stop trying until its over.

Jordan and I only have been seeing each other for a few weeks now, and it’s crazy how much I like him. I took him out to pizza last week, since he’s been so kind to me. I called it a hangout, but he said it was a date. Sometimes, I don’t even know what a date is so I just say we are hanging out. He’s so sweet though. He always likes to hold me and kiss me, even out in public, it’s very comforting. When we had pizza, a conversation had came up, he asked me where I have been the past year. Basically, we were suppose to hangout days ago but that never happen. I told him, I got back from Tennessee, I started school again and just been working….I tried to avoid telling him about Mitchell but I told him anyway. He asked me when was the last guy I dated, I had paused because I guess I didn’t want him to think that he’s just a rebound when he really isn’t. So I told him everything about Mitchell, well the basics. Everything isn’t needed. Mitchell is really old news, that was like 5 months ago. I’m over it. So we talked for a while at the pizza place and it was nice, talking and having a real conversation is what’s best in a relationship. You get to know them better, know how they are and why and then you get to understand. Jordan said he has always been dumped so he stopped dating for a while and tried to focus on himself, which is understandable. He told me about his past girlfriends and had told me so many great things he likes about me. It was nice to heard things like that. It really has been a while since someone made me feel like this. Last night, I went to see him and I had told him that I wish we had hangout before when we first met. But things happen for a reason right? I told him why and more about Mitchell, because while I was with Mitchell, there were times I wanted to text him. I guess I was bored. Mitchell never made me feel amazing. Anyway, I’m glad Jordan and I finally got the chance to hangout. It was worth the time waiting and it feels great. When I met Jordan he was going through a hard time so he didn’t want me involved, he wanted to work things out himself, but I told him it’s okay to work things out together. There are times when we all want to be alone, but sometimes having or getting help is nice too. I know how it is. So when I said that, he just kissed me and smiled. I also told him, “What you and I have, I haven’t felt like this in a long time, like really long time.” I know his heart smiled for sure. He said, “No one has ever made me smile like this before.” I asked him why he hasn’t had a girlfriend, he just said that he’s picky lol, I guess I was surprised. I’m picky too for sure. Jordan likes me for so many reasons, but the number one reason why he likes me so much is that I show him so much kindness by holding him and rubbing him all the time. He said no one has ever done that for him. Jordan and I have so much passion and I enjoy time with him so much. When he holds me, it’s like therapeutic. My body suddenly melts. Every morning and through out my day I get a snap chat or text from him. It’s so sweet and makes me smile. He would send me snaps just saying have a good day or I miss you or him giving me kisses. It’s so cute, I’m blushing. He always says hi and see how I’m going. Just knowing that someone you like is thinking of you is a good feeling you know.

Dear diary: So overwhelmed

Things have been great with Jordan and I. He’s pretty much amazing! I have no doubt in what’s going on with me.

So, school has been ridiculous. I just finished my Geography midterm and it wasn’t so bad. I studied last night until 1 am and took a 2 hour nap and woke up at 3 am to get ready and studied some more. I have never done that before so hopefully it was worth it. I’m literally a zombie today, hopefully not for long. I just hope I passed. School has been so overwhelming, sometimes I feel like I can’t do it anymore. What if being a teacher isn’t for me. I feel like I got this far, I can’t quit now…..I keep telling myself, “Just do it!” and “Just take it one day at a time.” It’s so hard though. What if I fail? Then what? But it’s like I have no choice, I just have to do what I can. Next week, I have a midterm in History class, I know I’m going to fail that even though I’m going to study. I know it sounds like I’m being negative, but I’m not. Knowing that I’m going to fail is scary. I have failed so many classes and tests in my life and failing again is not fun.The feeling is depressing but in the end, I just have to take it, I just got to do it. Nothing more. I’m just really tired, if I lay down I will pass out. So I’m always trying to be productive 24/7. School is too much right now, sometimes I don’t even know where to begin, my mind is a mess! I can’t wait for this week to be over. There’s literally too many things to do in such little time. Sometimes I don’t know how single mom’s do it. I have a friend, she goes to school, works, and has a kid. I just have myself, school, and work and I can’t even catch a breath.

Dear diary: So sweet

Last night, Jordan had ask me to go play pool with him and his friend. I went over to his house first and he made me dinner; we had spaghetti. It was cute. Then went to play pool for a couple of hours; I had a good time, except I was really tired. After that, we went back home to relax before I had to go home. We look and act like a couple. Is this weird? He literally treats me like I’m his girlfriend, and I like that. He’s always holding my hand, rubs me and always wants to be close to me and just gives me random kisses. It’s so sweet and I love that. He’s such a gentlemen too! I’m just surprised and in aw by him. He would snap chat me here and there, like he is always thinking of me. He would always say good morning and see how I’m doing. Makes me feel wanted, which is a really nice feeling.

Dear diary: That feeling

So Jordan and I have been hitting it off pretty well. We hung out a few days ago. I had him over the house I was house-sitting, we talked and watched a movie. He makes me so nervous, like my heart can’t stop beating and apparently I make him nervous too. His hands gets all sweaty lol. As we are watching a movie, we cuddled and he tried to give me a kiss the first time and I didn’t let him, not sure why, but I let him just kiss me on the cheek instead. As the night was ending we finally kissed and WOW, he is such a good kisser and he literally makes my body tingle! It was hot. I haven’t felt like this in a very long time, like years! Mitchell never even made me feel this way, ever! Jordan and I have this spark, this chemistry, I don’t really know how to explain it in words but that first kiss was everything. I know that this could be something great! I love looking at him, it’s weird…..his smile drives me crazy. Kissing him is nothing I felt before. I haven’t said this in a long time but, “He makes me smile.” Like since we’ve hung out, I can’t stop smiling. I get that butterfly feeling and I am so happy!

Last night, we went out to the bars with his friends. I thought it was just going to be him and I, but he had asked me to be his date for the night. I thought that was sweet. He picked me up, opened the door, gave me hugs and kisses. He looked so good last night. I literally had the hottest date! I had a really good time with him last night, he even held my hand like we were a couple, he’s so sweet. Mitchell never really held my hand in public or anything. We had left the night early to go to his house to hangout out. We cuddled and made out so much, like we can’t keep our hands off each other. Jordan is so hot! He has like a six-pack, his body is like rock hard, like holy shit! We went upstairs to his bedroom, made out some more and one thing led to another. I told him that I want to do it but not yet, he said it was okay, we can just kiss and stuff. But I couldn’t help myself, we had sex and it was with so much passion and it was just so intense. Best I’ve had a long, long, long time. Afterwards, we cuddled in bed naked and he just held me. He is something else, I’m telling you….. This is what it’s suppose to feel like being with someone. We fell asleep for a little bit and I woke up to go home. He didn’t even want me to leave but I wanted to wake up in my own bed and not have to deal with driving home.

So obviously we like each other. We’ve only known each other for a week and it feels amazing! I know it’s all fast but things feels good. The beginning of a relationship is suppose to be good, not bad. I really like him and I know he does too. He had asked me to hangout with him tonight again:) I am very surprised and glad that all this is turning out so well.

Dear diary: Went to go get yogurt with a boy

So, Jordan and I have been texting. I felt spontaneous yesterday and just asked him if he’d like to go get yogurt or ice cream with me. He said yes. I was pretty nervous to meet him because the last time I saw him was last year and I was at a bar drunk and singing with all my friends. So we never really set a time to meet up because I was working and he was busy until a certain time. So we just texted each other whenever we were ready but good lord he took forever to come over to my house! I was thinking we’d go around 8 pm but he didn’t show up until 9:30 pm! I was so sleepy by then; just wanted to be in bed but I couldn’t flake since I had asked lol. Anyway……….. he showed up HIGH! He had told me before in advance so I was a little okay with it. It’s just a pet peeve of mine plus he’s meeting me, I thought it was a little rude showing up like that. He said he smoked earlier but he didn’t know he was going to be high still. When he stepped out of his car to meet me, we gave each other a hug and he was like, “omg you are so small” lol yeah….I get this a lot, no big surprise here for me. When someone hasn’t seen me in along time, they forget how short I am. When we arrived to the yogurt shop, as we were walking in, he said, “I really need to tell you something, “You are so cute!” and I said “Thank you!” Just the way he said it was so genuine. We tried different flavors and we ended up sharing a cup full of yogurt and toppings! He was like, “Do you want to share? Ill make it for us.” I thought that was kind of cute. Who shares nowadays? Even I don’t haha. But I thought it was a cute gesture, so sure, why not. When we went to pay, I told him I got it, but he had already had money out to hand to the cashier. See! That’s what I like to see, a man trying to pay even thought I totally could have gotten it. I didn’t mind, but it was very nice of him. We went outside to sit and talked for about an hour and a half. He ended up talked the whole entire time! WTF. I’m listening and smiling but hello….what about me. He literally didn’t stop talking. Once he did, I talked for a good 20% but he keep interrupting and talked more about himself and random stuff. I mean don’t get me wrong, the stuff he was saying was interesting, but the point was to “get to know each other.” So he basically doesn’t know shit and me yet. I think it was because he was high so he was rambling on and on. I mean, I had a good time and he’s super good looking and yeah I’m going to give him another try. Even though he talked a lot I still want to hangout with him again and get to know the kind of person he is. He asked me to hangout with him on Saturday night, so we’ll see how that goes. Jordan is such an attractive guy, he has such an amazing smile! I’m literally in love with his smile and he has these hazel eyes….. I can literally just stared at his face lol. I am very attracted to him.  He’s pretty tall and skinny, but he works out so he still looks good. When we arrived home, he gave me the longest hug, it was somewhat awkward but whatever haha. We said good-bye and literally 10 minutes later he texted me good night. He wasn’t even home yet. But anyway, he’s nice and he seems to be interested. Honestly, I wanted to really met up with him and finally hangout but all I wanted to do was jump at him!lol I just want to make this right and not be stupid, but sometimes you just got to do what you feel or what you want.

We both had to be up early this morning and I was very surprised that I got a “Good Morning” text from him. It was like 6:30 am. It’s funny how a little text from a guy can make you smile.