Dear Diary: Feeling Forgotten

Been feeling uneasy. One minute I’m great, and the next I’m feeling forgotten. Hoping and wishing Mitchell would text me again. I just want to talk to him, there’s always this feeling that I’ve always had: “Could we have something more?  I think this could’ve worked out”.   But then it didn’t work out the first or second time because of him. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m always going to wonder, but I know that when time goes by, the feelings and thoughts will fade. When he had text me that night, he was being friendly and acted like nothing had happen. The feeling was very casual and mutual. I’m always tempted to text him but I CAN NOT do that! Why did he do that? Is there going to be anything more? Or is this it? I’m prepared for whatever happens, if he tries to talk to me soon then I be straight forward with him and say, “What is it that you want or need? You can’t just randomly talk to me like nothing happened, we are not dating anymore nor are we friends.” I need answers. If he texts me later on, in a month or so, I will ask him the same question but be very angry and upset. I feel like he has forgotten about me by now. I hate that feeling, it’s the feeling of abandonment.

Jordan had texted me pretty late the over the weekend, it was about 12 am and I was getting ready to go home from a family party. He was pretty much bored and wanted to hangout out but I said I’m going to bed. I love my sleep. I am not your booty call ok? So he obviously is only texting me because he’s bored…cool.

The weekend always seems so short! It’s my only day off and I just want to sleep, but I have like a million things to do. Sometimes I need a break but I think being busy is good for me; I feel sane. If I didn’t have anything to do, I would feel useless and go crazy.

Dear diary: Give me something

I am dead tired.
Mitchell had texted back really late last night. We texted a bit. It was about 3 am, and he was telling me about work; he’s doing well. He asked me questions like he cared or he was concerned. I mean, it was nice, but I still need to act casual. I need to be strong and not fall for him unless it’s real. He was calling me “cutie” and saying how he’s worried about me….like where is this all coming from? I’m prepared for anything, whether this is something or not or even real. I’ve been waking up these past few days like this whole Mitchell thing is a dream.
I am really confused. My emotions are all over the place. Is he going to text me again or what’s going to happen? Maybe nothing, maybe this is it. Was he drunk last night? Or was it his jet lag? I don’t fucking know! Wtf!
I’m not in the best mood. I need answers. I need positivity. I need a sign.
MJ told me today that any boy who texts you “how are you” already sucks.

Dear diary: What a surprise!

Interesting…..I opened Mitchell’s snap last night and it was a picture of him and he said, “Hi Autumn.” I didn’t respond because it was really late and I didn’t want to deal with it.

Been up since 4am this morning. I couldn’t sleep because of all the noise and I was thinking about what to say to Mitchell. I felt shaky all day, I don’t know what it is. I responded to him this morning and said, “Hi Mitchell, I opened your snap chat pretty late last night. Whatever is it you can text me. If it’s nothing then it’s nothing, but I just wanted to respond back and say hi and that I hope you had a nice vacation.” A few hours later, he texted back and said, “Hey Autumn, I noticed you added me on snap so I was just saying hi. I had a great trip but I’m experiencing the worst jet lag. How are you? How is school? How many classes are you taking?” WOW…..he actually cares? Asking me questions?! I was so surprised. I have been feeling nervous all day and I feel like I can’t breathe. Mitchell texting me out of nowhere is just a surprise! I didn’t respond right away because I was at work and I just couldn’t deal with at the moment. My heart was beating fast! I told my best friend MJ, why is he texting me? She told me, “You know, he just wants to know that he is wanted. It’s hard for him after he was rejected. You also need to realize he is texting you because he knows you are amazing! The thing is, you really made him feel special and wanted.” I really don’t care if it was hard for him, it was more difficult for me. He doesn’t know how he made me feel. I have so much to offer and so much love to give and he didn’t want it because he couldn’t get over himself and his past. I had to let go. I had ask another one of my best friend, what does Mitchell want? Why now? He said, well maybe his trip changed him blah blah blah. Maybe……..But I doubt it. But really though, what does he want? I feel like I’m getting mixed signals or is it just me. My feelings are so off then on.  So I texted him back after work and just saying how school is great and all. Let’s see what happens next…….(sigh).

Work was so stupid today, it was slow and I did this lady’s gel manicure and didn’t even get paid for it but I kept the tip. She said I didn’t do a good job so she’s going to come back to redo it for fee. K whatever, I know I did a good job she is just picky. I’m over it. People are dumb.

Dear diary: One of those days

Woke up so tired this morning. By the time I got to school I forgot my makeup! All my flaws are showing today haha! So pretty much I’m feeling uneasy with no makeup on. Feeling gross and a blob today. On top of feeling like that I also forgot my headphones! Of all things I forget those, but of course I went to go buy some at the school’s store. Just feeling so overwhelmed with all these exams coming up, I’m not stressed surprising. I just really need to do well and I’m already getting an early start on preparing for the exams. I’m at an actual University now, it is a big deal and I really need to pass. Skipped the gym this afternoon because I wasn’t feeling it, my morning didn’t go smooth so I’m feeling more UHG! But as the day pass by I don’t even care about not having makeup on. It is what it is. I have one more class until I get to be home!

Work has been pretty busy lately, I don’t know what it is. It’s suppose to be that time of the year where it’s slow, kids are in school, and parents are working, but no, I guess these people have time to relax. I’m a nail technician by the way. As I can’t even caught my breath in school, but I can’t even caught my breath at work! WTF.

As I’m blogging, Mitchell just snapped me something…………..Speaking of him, I watched this buzz-feed video yesterday and it’s called, “People write secret confessions about their ex’s” Most of them were sad. One said, “Even though we stayed friends, I still can’t forgive the fact that you kept our relationship a secret.” That’s fucked up. Another one said, “It’s been 3 years and I still wonder if I messed up by ending it.” Dam…… A funny one was, “My toenail polished last longer than you!” That’s my favorite! LOL.  Well here’s my confession, I almost loved Mitchell. Even though we dated for 7 months or so we were never in love or loved each other. Sometimes I don’t know or sometimes love can be so many things. He said to me when we broke up, “I’m afraid to say I love you because I’m afraid that I won’t mean it.” Well shit, good thing you didn’t say it. My last ex said I love you and left me the next day! But I really care about Mitchell a lot still and I know he did but not enough. Sometimes I think if we could have had something more, because I feel like we had no time in our relationship to develop because of how busy we were. But yet again, in the end he chose himself and I was tired of trying.  Sometimes, you just got to let go. There are so many great memories about us but trust me, what I want to say to him is a lot of shit!

Dear diary: Today felt Blah

Hi guys, it’s kind of late. I just got home from school. I was suppose to blog this afternoon but my iPad wasn’t working properly, so I had written it out. So here it is:

Happy 1st day of Fall! It doesn’t even feel like Fall yet. Sacramento is so dry and this heat needs to go away, but it is a beautiful day today at school; nice and breezy while I’m blogging my life away. It’s Tuesday, which means I’m at school all day, literally though, from 7am-9pm. When I get home, I am drained, my brain is fried, and my eyes are hella blurry, which means I need SLEEP!

So far, today is a good day. I’m going to start drinking green tea again, it makes my body feel better and I do need to slim down a bit lol. Green tea is very good for you, helps you digests better. I did hw and worked-out on my 6 hour break. Yes I know it’s a long break but trust me, it goes by fast. I always have loads of hw and I workout for an hour.

It’s been kind of a boring day…no calls…no texts. My sister is right, I’m always on my phone lol and yeah I don’t really talk to anyone and no one really ever texts me. It’s just a bad habit to be on your phone all the time, constantly checking Facebook or Instagram for no dam reason. I guess it’s just wishing I have someone to talk to, but at the same time I don’t need it. I’m good with just myself; writing, doing hw, listening to music, working-out, Netflix, and ect… I don’t need distractions. It is good to get away from the social world. So yeah, literally talked to no one today. Sometimes I feel like I’m far away and it’s just me living alone.

I was browsing around my snap-chat today and as I scroll down, I see the name “Mitchell” instead of his username…..ummmm excuse me, why are you trying to add me when I deleted you. What does he want? If you want to contact me, you can text or call. I mean you do have my number because you just texted me last week. Don’t contact on snap-chat, it’s like messaging someone on Facebook when they have your number. Is everything on social media nowadays? In general I like talking on the phone or talk in person, it’s so much easier. People are so awkward, yes, a text is easier but still, why?

Some random guy messaged me on Instagram earlier. He asked me, “Do you live in Spring Hill?” I had said I use too. Then he asked me where I do live…why I moved…do you have snap-chat?….uhhh okay dude, like I’m going to tell you that! All I said was that I only lived there for a few months. He said that I popped up on this hashtags (springhill) and he finds me attractive. Pretty much he said I was cool to hangout with if I were to still be in TN. Um….why would you even want to talk to someone you found on Instagram. You don’t even know me. He even asked for me to give him my snap-chat name, and I said I don’t use it. People are weird and desperate sometimes. Like Okay, we are not getting together.

So, there is this quote that I had found and kept for a while. “I want to travel the world with you twice. Once, to see the world, twice to see the way you see the world.” This quote only caught my eye because of Mitchell. He and I had taken little trips here and there to the beaches and hiking when we were dating. Anyway, my friend Victoria told me the other day, “I see you with someone who you can go travel with and be adventurous with.” I was like really??? I never been an out-door kind of girl until I met Mitchell. He really opened my eyes to a traveling life, I never really enjoyed trips much until him. He was my traveling buddy and I was his. I didn’t know traveling can be so much fun lol. As I thought about what Victoria said, she’s right. That’s exactly what I want. Yes, I would like to be with someone who going to show me the world; a traveling buddy forever. You really do learn a lot about that other person when going on trips. Maybe it’s like moving in together? I don’t know? But you get to see the real person or a different side of them, whether they are good for you or not.

I would like to mention, please comment and ask questions if you like whether it’s good or bad. I would love to hear it. Thank you and good night!

Dear diary: My very 1st Blog

I finally have time to write-up my first blog! To be honest I don’t even know where to begin about my life. It has been a crazy three busy week with school, work, and being a nanny. I can’t even catch my breath. I guess first of all, I am exhausted. Most of my brain, all it responds to is homework. Oh! What am I going to do after school? Oh….hw. Oh! What are you going to do on your day off? (which is one day a week) Oh, hw….There is no more time to have fun and socialize which I’m okay with. I had my fun and it’s time to put on my big girl pants! Literally all I do is school, hw, school, hw. If not that, it’s work but I don’t mind. It’s part of being a college student and an adult. Right? I am 25 years old now, things are different and so is your thinking. I am very independent so I can care less about partying and doing crazy stuff, I rather be at home and cuddle in bed with my dog and my T.V shows on my day off (which what I will be doing after this blog).

There has been too many thoughts on my mind; some random and some that are actual thoughts about people and life. Last week I got a text from Mitchell, this guy I dated for 7 months who never wanted to commit to me in the end so I broke it off. We dated for a while but he didn’t want it to make it an official boyfriend girlfriend thing. But anyway, I haven’t heard from him since we broke up 3 months ago so I was very surprised. He pretty much said, “I’m going to South America and if anything happens, just know that you were on my mind.” My thoughts were: first of all I was freaking out of course lol but I knew exactly what I wanted to say. It was simply, “You are going to have a great time and be safe. I am so happy for you!” Our break up was very mutual so we are civil towards each other. But really my thoughts were, why are you texting me, why are you even telling me this, you haven’t talk to me in 3 months, why now? Because you’re leaving? I mean, I get why. He means what he says. He just wants to tell me that and that’s it. But shit, he’s going on vacation, he’s going to have a great time, he’s not gonna die! lol Obviously it’s going to be fun. I mean, it is nice of him to say that to me but not necessary. I don’t need to start remembering how sad he made me feel. I broke up with him a week before my birthday, and on my birthday my eyes were so fucking swollen but I just really wanted a picture of me and my cake. I fucking turned 25 okay?! lol it is a big deal. I had to break it off because I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Then after that I cried for 2 weeks everyday, it was so painful. Anyway, as he’s on vacation he would send me snap chat pictures or videos. I really don’t care but of course I’m curious why. Knowing Mitchell, he’s probably just sending it to me and it means nothing. Men are stupid. The text was just a text, but there’s nothing that I will or can do about it. He obviously doesn’t know what he wants. Yes, I think about him so that means I miss him? It’s stupid. I know in reality nothing should or will happen but in another world….what is going to happen next or what is going to happen when he comes back from his trip?!

Last weekend, Jordan texted me at 2am. Okay, like what do you want? You drunk or bored this time? It was random because he hasn’t text me in a month. I met him at a bar last year after Mitchell said he didn’t want to do the “relationship” thing with me but then a week later we got back together. Jordan is this very attractive guy, I was into him only because he asked for my number and asked to hangout. BUT hanging out never happened and it still . Hilarious right? Just lately he would text me here and there but it’s really boring. He doesn’t know what he wants either! So he asked me if I wanted to see a movie at his house last Sunday. I pretty much said no and was straight forward with him and said, “To be honest that sounds really nice and I want to but I barely know you. We text here and there and nothing has happened. So maybe next time if you really want to hangout text me in advance and not last-minute.” Obviously he wanted to “Netflix and chill” but I’m over that phase. I want to go on a real date okay?! Is that so hard?! 3 months ago I’ll “Netflix and chill” with you but no thank you. Too late! And after all the times I made an effort to hangout he kind of flaked. I feel like he’s intimidated because I am 2 years older than him. I could be wrong, but really he doesn’t know what he wants. Like, figure it out and then talk to me. I’m busy and I don’t have time for this shit.

I haven’t seen my friend Victoria since her birthday in August. We finally got to go to dinner to actually talk and caught up. I really enjoyed my time with her. I really needed it, girl time you know.

A couple of days ago, I was carrying Bubba downstairs and I accidentally dropped him. I picked him up with one hand and on my other hand I was carrying other things. He had a hard fall since our house is all tile flooring. I was so scared, I thought I broke his ribs or something. I know he was scared but he’s okay, he’s walking normal. While I was at school that day, I was so worried. I thought he might of have internal bleeding or something dramatic that I would think about. I’m sorry Bubba I love you.

Back to Mitchell, yes I have thought about him lately only because he sent me that text. Someone once told me that breakups are like having a death in the family. I never had a death in my family before so I don’t know how that really feels. But she’s right, it’s losing that person you talk to everyday, the person you do things with and then all of a sudden they’re gone. It really is a lost, that’s why it’s sad and hard.

I know that who ever is reading this may not understand much or think of my stories of anything but it is my first and personal blog. I just hope you guys will keep reading my life and thoughts to understand. I am hoping to blog daily but I am a full-time student and work full-time so I will try my best.