Dear diary:…………..

Two days ago, he texted me saying and asking if I was okay and that he misses me and a bunch of other things. I didn’t reply until two hours later, becasue when I saw it I just felt tired to even answer, like my heart is tired to deal with it. When I had replied, 3 mins later I get a call from him and he’s at my house. I let him in of course, he needed to see me and talk. He was crying and so sad and needed me. I’m the type of person who will be there mo matter what or at least I try. We sat and talked, cried, laid together, and finally had sex after like 10 days…… we took a nap and after I had asked him if he wanted to go eat with me for the last time before he goes. We went to go eat, took pics, talked, and cried some more. He took me home and said, “I promise I will never do what I did (whatever that is) and I’ll be here for you.” All I needed from him before was just a little more.

That night I had told him I’m going out with my friends to a birthday downtown and he’s all concern. I wasn’t not going to tell him….anyway I was out and he’s texting me and blown up my phone. He basically said if I don’t call he’s not sleeping and all these things. He just want me to come over  after so he can take care of me. Jordan is amazing, just wish he cared extra when we were together. I know how he is, in the end I ended up at his place. He took very good care of me as always. We slept till noon and he took me home. A few hours later he called and asked me to come over to have dinner and finish up our tv show, and so we did. I spent the night, best sleep ever in a while. I was so comfy.

We haven’t fought for three days now and pretty much had the best few days in a long time. He’s been showing more and more, giving me lots of love just like I needed and wanted. I don’t know whats going on with us, but were still talking and texting and he’s telling me a lot more than usual I would say. As I’m writing this he calls, becasue he just got off work. We talked for 20 mins, and I don’t think that’s ever happened before. We are always arguing and can never finish a conversation.So far lots has changed and we are making progress. It’s hard not to think about how I felt last week and what happened. I was so hurt, that feeling was the worst! I’m still hurting and I hope it will go away someday. I know Jordan has a lot going on, I don’t blame him. We all go through phases. I think about life without him and I can’t. I want him to be with me forever. I see him trying and I’m trying too, but I think we are both done arguing. My heart hurts too much. Sometimes it can only handle so much.

He told me today, “You know what I realized when I hangout with Christian and stuff….. I realized how much I love you.” Like holy crap! I was so in awe and starting tearing. I know he means what he said and I trust him, it just meant a lot that he said that to me. I finally believe that he really does loves me. I know he does in general, but he finally realizing something. I don’d know…..but this past week, I don’t think I’ve ever been so sad, but then I’m starting to be happy with Jordan these past few days. Like I don’t feel the need to say anything negative anymore, everything I have been saying are good positive things. Maybe becasue he’s showing more love……we will see how it goes.

School starts tomorrow and I’m dreading the drive, traffic and having to be up at 5am everyday. But I’m excited for a couple classes:) Wish me luck!

Dear diary: the heart is light

I hate to say this, but after telling him everything I felt and cried and breaking it off, made my heart feel lighter. My anxiety is almost gone it feels. Sometimes you just got to trust your heart and do as it says. I felt the way I did for a reason, it didn’t just come out of nowhere. I thought I was over thinking, but I wasn’t, I was right all along. Leaving him was the hardest decision I have ever made, it was and is life changing. There is no going back. He is so amazing and I’m so blessed I met him. So much shit happened. In my heart, I know that I’ll always love him, I can’t stop loving him, it’s like he’s stuck inside me. There isn’t anymore room in my heart for anyone else. Jordan is the the one, I know it. I don’t know how long I can live life without him. It’s like our souls has become one. We are two very different people, but somehow we are meant for each other. Maybe in the future, but I know right now it isn’t the right time. I know he loves me and I love him too and we both want to be together now and forever, but we both need to be on our own right now.

When I went over last night to wait for him, his mom and I started talking and I couldn’t help myself. I had to tell her, she didn’t hesitate at all and said “good!, you deserve better.” she said that he needs to get his shit together and grow up. She said she loves me very much, hugged me, and said it’s okay to love a lot. She said come back when he’s a new man.

Breaking up with him was like death. Now I can never talk to him or see him. We cried and he didn’t want me to to leave, but I had too. I never expected anyone to love me like he did. It really is amazing. He has so many amazing qualities, but he needs to be happy with himself in order to be with anyone. He said he’ll always find me no matter what. It’s crazy that we feel the same way about each other and want to be together, but in the end we just can’t be together. I am so sad and it hurts so bad. I can not stop crying.

Jordan is and was the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is so smart and kind. I love him so much becasue he’s not perfect. I can’t give out anymore love. It’s all for him. I know he can do amazing things in life and will be the best at anything he does. Jordan can be a pain in the butt, but gosh I still love him no matter what he did. Why is that I always care the most? To me, Jordan is my super hero. I know he’ll figure himself out one day. I will always love him. Within 2 months being with him, I knew I Love him forever. I saw a future with him, I never saw that with anyone else. I’m done searching for the next. I think that I always be waiting for him. I wish the best for him. I love you so much Jordan.

The only best advice I got from my mom about relationships is, always break up with them if you need to, don’t have them do it. She’s right, even though Jordan left me first, I ended it, and it fucking sucks even though it made me feel better. It never feels good either way anyway.

Dear diary: goodbye 

I ended things with Jordan tonight :/ I can’t believe how much I love him. I feel like I’m gonna die from a heartache. I will always love Jordan Bushnell . Always. Will never stop loving him . I honestly think I can never be with anyone else even if I could i don’t want too.  Jordan is the love of my life . I can never love anyone as much as I love him .

Dear diary: is there something wrong with me?

Jordan and I have been back together now for a little over a month. Some days are great, some days are hard for me. He is finally calling me his girlfriend now which is nice I guess. We have been through a lot and for me I don’t know how to get over it sometimes. I’m still sad, I think a lot….too much actually. Maybe I have really bad anxiety, I don’t know what to do sometimes or how to be happy. I know he loves me, but I always think everyone is just going to screw me over. He is so amazing and I can’t believe he loves. I know he does, but sometimes I get scared and I feel like he doesn’t. I cry all the time with or with out him. I’m just still sorry for what had happened to us. Am I ever going to be okay? I know he doesn’t want to leave me or anything, but then I think why does he keep me around besides the fact that he loves me. I feel like I need more, I need more attention and love. Everyday I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I’m always doing something wrong. All he ask is for me to be nice and love him. I feel like I do those things. I feel like I’m not good enough sometimes, but he says I’m doing okay and tell me how everything is going to be okay and he loves me and then I feel better then the next time it’s the same crap. He says I just overthink things. Everyone is saying that, but why do I do it or feel like this? I love him to death and when I think about life without it, I can’t imagine it at all. I need him, I can’t live without him. Why did god bring us together? This past week we had a couple good days. He’s made a few new friends he’s been hanging out with, but all they do is work, smoke, do drugs, and party. I’m just not all about that. I need and want people in my life who have jobs and care about real stuff, not partying and shit. I think it’s stupid. Jordan is a smoker and I know it’s not going to stop. The point is he’s been hanging out with them every night. It makes me feel not important, or like he doesn’t want to hangout with me….like he rather be with them and not me. I miss the days when it was just me and him all the time, that was when he had no friends. Now I have no friends, Blake and I haven’t talked in a while, I feel like I can’t tell me sister everything anymore becasue she told my other sister something that was a secret. I feel like I have no one to talk to sometimes. Right now I’m working on telling Jordan everything, he wants us to be best friends in order to be a better couple. He’s right though. I need to be better at communicating and I really am trying. Anyway I’m always rambling…..I just hope in the end, he really does love me and wants to be with forever like he says.

School is starting soon and I’m glad. School is the only thing that keeps me sane. I need to stop overthinking. I’m taking 5 classes! I’m so scared and nervous. I am so close to getting my BA, I should be graduating by the fall if I pass my classes. There is no way no to give up now. Jordan thinks I can’t be a teacher becasue he says I’ve never taught him anything yet, he thinks I can be better at something else which I don’t nor does he….I feel stupid. But anyway I’m going to finish school!

 

Dear diary: it’s been a week 

Last Friday Jordan called me saying he wanted to talk to me again. He’s sorry and he’s ready to try to be with me. He had said he missed me and always thinking of me and can’t stand not talking to me . He realized that we need to work together so he can be okay and find love with us again. I know he cares about me. Sorry my thoughts are all over the place . Getting to be with him this past week has been nice. I missed him so much and I’m feeling better of course,but still it’s iffy and I still fell sad. Seeing him, I can tell he had changed, when I look at him I can tell he’s so sad and broken but I am too. He’s a whole different person. His emotion as are shut down , one day He likes me and the next it’s nothing. This time is a little different, at least I hear with him everyday . Last time he would come back and next day disappear. I hope he’s being real with me. I have been so patient, I guess sometimes loves got to be like that . These are his words, “I still need your time and love to grow back with you.” And I’m finally understanding what it means. He texts me everyday but I know some of the time he won’t text me back on purpose like he’s testing me. Anyway I don’t know what he thinks, just need to give him space sometimes . I feel like he just does whatever he wants with me and I’m just here…… like he randomly texts me in the middle of the night or comes over at 3 in the morning . Like what the heck…. like what about what I want or feel ??? He freaked out the other night and blew up my phone because I feel asleep, but before that he saw my snap story where I had went out to eat. I don’t need to tell him what I’m doing, he didn’t ask, it’s not like he tells me when he’s gonna text me. Most of the time I don’t hear from him until the end of the day. My rule is not to text him unless he does. I have been really good, Not freaking out on him so far like I use too. I did agree to this kind of relationship, just got to give him space and time. Let’s see how long I can do this for. I just hope one day he’ll love me again like he use too or even love me more. Am I crazy? 

Dear diary: drinking and blogging 

Today I finished all my lessons plans. It’s almost thanksgiving and it’s a little depressing . There is so much shit to do. I gotta finish school this semester strong, move out in a month, and my mom is opening up her own business meaning I’m helping her. I’m so stressed. Everything is happening all at once. Maybe it’s for the best. I went to the gym tonight and saw Jordan’s dad, he came over to say hi . I think he knows. You know what I really think ? White people are fake, they say hi to be nice because it’s the right thing to do, but really they know. And me on the other hand, I’m too honest. I say mean things or say things that isn’t needed. I’m learning how to be nice. I miss Jordan everyday . Somedays are hard, someday are okay. I know it’ll get better. I know it’s over, but sometimes I don’t know. I know I’l have to see him again because he owes me something. I want to see him, but best that I don’t. He said a lot the last time we saw each other….. “we belong together but maybe just not right now” and “I will marry you someday” uhhhhg. I’m healing and it’s going to be awhile to love someone else. My first love was blind love and with Jordan it was real, I actually saw  myself with him. And what the hell happened? I’ve never been so broken . Sometimes I think that I’m so fucked up, but I’m really not. Apart of me will always love Jordan. Why is that ? Maybe my third love will be better ! 

Dear diary: why? 

The other night I had went to the bar alone. I don’t know, I just always wanted to try it. A guy had talked to me, he talked about himself the whole time. It was interesting but boring at the same time. He’s a very broken man. Anyway, I had left outside and somehow I got Jordan to come see me . He had gotten off work and came by, we talked and cried. I went over his place and spend the night, of course we had sex. I wanted to spend one last time with him, just in case I’ll never see him again. He told me he promise to marry me one day. I just know that no matter what happens Jordan will always be in my heart, I don’t know if I’ll ever stop loving him. I feel guilty every time I talk to someone else. I’m going to always want Jordan, if I ever move on with someone else he’ll always be in my mind.
Today I realize he is the same . He still doesn’t know what he wants, hes sending me mix signals and I’m hurt again. I’m back to square one. He won’t answer me or anything . Once again he is leaving me. How can I be so stupid to even think he wants me back . One day he wants me and the next he’s gone. I’ve been crying a lot again and it’s sucks . I know I can get through this because obviously I was okay for a while without him. Maybe he loves me, but doesn’t want to be in a relationship. In the end he doesn’t know what he wants or what to say besides the fact that he misses me and loves me. I give up. I’m just hurting self again. I blew up his phone last night , I freaked out and was very sad. I just don’t understand and probably never will. I’m done .

Every guy I broke up with made me feel so much better like I can breathe. With Jordan either way I can’t breathe. We both feel the same about each other but we are resolving our problems differently obviously. It’s easy for him to not talk to me at all. I can’t believe he told me he promise to marry me one day…..I don’t even know what to believe. I still have hope and faith. No matter what I can’t stop loving him.

Ps. School is going really well, I’m enjoying school a lot more and I know I can do this!